Leading with Weakness
This is a practice that is at the heart of being a shalom leader, and one that runs contrary to most leadership practices and attitudes. It comes from a saying I heard at a 12 step recovery meeting. In that context, this practice of “leading with your weakness” refers to the idea that when you share in the circle of recovery, you are invited to begin sharing – not a moment of success, triumph or telling a story that makes you look good, but rather to share something that is a recent failure, something shameful, or shows your addiction in the most toxic and glaring light. You’re supposed to share it in a way that is not abusive of apologetic, but rather in a matter of fact way that reveals the heart of your addiction to the group. This cuts to the heart of ego, helps you stop pretending, and surprisingly, makes the group a safer place for everyone. In leading with your weakness, what we often find is that it is our weaknesses we have most in common with others around the circle. I often found that when I was starting to get at the heart of real honesty, and touch on real recovery for myself, there would be knowing smiles around the group, chuckles of solidarity, and tears of compassion. Leading with my weakness made others, and therefore the group, stronger.
I believe that this simple statement is a practical application of two profound statements made in the Bible. The first is when Jesus, in giving His leadership manifesto, said, “The one who would be the greatest among you should be the servant of all.” The second is when the Apostle Paul said that he boasts in his weakness, because it is in his weakness that God’s strength is made perfect.
Shalom leadership is about injecting shalom in situations and people whenever and wherever we can. As I have wondered what leadership could look like without coercion or violence, leading with my weakness is what helps me live it out practically.
It starts with another recovery practice, from AA’s step 10: “When we were wrong, we promptly admitted it.” This is precisely the opposite of what I have felt pressured into, and experienced in Christian leadership circles. We talk a good game about humility, but when push comes to shove it’s all about covering your own ass. We have such high expectations of pastors and Christian leaders that this puts unbelievable pressure on them to be perfect people – morally, physically, and in every other way conceivable. Because we expect people to be better than it is humanly possible to be, image and perception becomes more important to Christian leaders than reality. When a pastor begins to speak with real vulnerability about their uncertainty or doubts, there’s always a backlash – sometimes subtle and well meaning, often not so much – that says, “We don’t want to hear that stuff – we don’t want you to have those things.” This creates a habit of pretending that sets leaders up to resist honest feedback and to hide when they do make mistakes.
In Primal Leadership, Daniel Goleman discovered that the people who see our leadership most clearly are the people directly below us. For parents, that would be our kids. As a leader, these are our direct reports. You know – the people we LEAST enjoy feedback from! These people see our strengths and weaknesses, our successes and failures MOST clearly. It was after I read this that I decided to stop pretending with those people. I began admitting when I was wrong as soon as I became aware of it. And you know what happened? Their respect for me went UP, not down!
In Radical Mentor groups, we begin the year long process with a meeting where the mentor tells their story. And again, they are strongly encouraged to lead with their weakness. As they tell their story, of course the successes, triumphs and successes come out. However, I work very hard to illuminate the mistakes, the failures and the shame. To talk about the fear and anger, the pettiness and immaturity. I lead the group on the basis of the mixed reality of my past and present life. This makes the group a safe place for the other people to talk about their deepest struggles and find real hope in the midst of them. So far, the result of this leading with my weakness has been to raise the level of respect and trust in my groups.
In my life and leadership, the practice of promptly admitting when I am wrong frees me from mountains of anxiety and anger. I have nothing to protect. AA’s step 10, when practiced as a daily discipline, results in a list of mistakes and failures from the day before that I have to make amends for today. At the beginning, it was a pretty long list and took what felt like most of my day to get through. As time went on, and I got better at admitting my mistakes in the moment, the list (and my anxiety!) got smaller and smaller.
Today, I can spot moments of weakness before they even happen. I am free from overpromising. I can ask questions without shame or fear. It took me some practice to lead with my weakness in a way that wasn’t self-condemning or full of false humility. Leading with my weakness is an embrace of reality, not devaluing or abusing myself. Leading with my weakness actually raises my confidence level when I am pursuing my passion or acting in areas where I am strong.
Leading with my weakness is making me a safer person. As I experience how people treat me when I have failed, I am getting in touch with how I would like to be treated. The more I live in harmony with my weaknesses, the gentler I am with them. As I learn to be gentle with myself, I find I am just naturally gentler and patient with others. You know who I am NOT gentle or patient with? People who are pretending to be more than they are; people who by their anger and aggression try to hide their weaknesses; people who lie and deceive and dodge responsibility – it’s harder to be gentle with people who don’t want to live in reality.
As I’ve talked about leading with my weakness and admitting when I am wrong, what memories have come to mind? What fears and failures are you ashamed of and protecting from discovery? I want to encourage you to make a list – write them down. Write down the people that have been affected by your weakness. Bring that list to a higher power or trusted friend. Ask them to walk through them with you, and see what you can do to begin making things right. This could be a crucial first step in living with more shalom.
If you don’t have anyone you can connect with, Shalom Leadership.org may be able to connect you with a counselor or 12 step sponsor in your area that meets your need.
